The Communication Skills No One Teaches Adults (But Absolutely Should)

Somewhere between learning long division and memorizing state capitals, we skipped a few essential life skills. For instance, how to disagree with someone without turning into a flamethrower, or how to give feedback that doesn’t feel like a throat punch. These are the communication skills adults are somehow expected to know naturally, even though no one ever actually teaches them.

And yet, they matter more than ever. We’re navigating workplaces full of instant messages, group chats, and emails that read as if they were typed while inching through a Starbucks drive-thru. We’re juggling relationships, responsibilities, and the constant fear that our “Sounds good” might be interpreted as passive-aggressive.

It’s no wonder so many conversations go sideways.

Take disagreement, for example. Most people treat it like a competitive sport: someone wins, someone loses, and someone storms off. But disagreement doesn’t have to be a cage match. The real skill is disagreeing without making the other person feel stupid, attacked, or like they should avoid you forever. It starts with validating what they’ve said—“I understand your point”—then offering your perspective with something like, “Here’s how I’m thinking about it.” Keep the temperature low with an invitation: “Let’s figure this out together.”

Psychologist John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington, famously noted that how a conversation begins often determines how it ends. Start gently, and you’re already halfway to a better outcome.

Another skill adults struggle with is asking for what they need without overexplaining. We dance around requests, apologize for existing, and send emails that begin with “Sorry to bother you, but…” Clarity is kindness. Instead of writing a paragraph of apologies, you can simply say, “Could you please review this by tomorrow? Thank you.” Directness isn’t rudeness—it respects everyone’s time, including your own.

Boundaries fall into the same category. Most adults only set them after reaching the emotional equivalent of a nuclear meltdown. But boundaries work best when they’re set early, calmly, and without apology. It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m not available after six, but I can help first thing tomorrow,” or “I can’t take this on, but here’s what I can do.” Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re traffic signs. They keep everything moving safely.

Then there’s feedback—one of adulthood’s most dreaded tasks, right up there with putting those infuriatingly tiny stickers on children’s toys or calling customer service. People tend to default to brutal honesty (“This is terrible”) or total avoidance (“Maybe if I ignore it, it’ll fix itself”). The real skill is constructive clarity: being specific, focusing on behavior rather than character, and offering a path forward. Instead of “This presentation was confusing,” you might say, “Your main point got lost in the middle—what if we move the key takeaway to the top?” Feedback should feel like guidance, not judgment.

Receiving feedback is its own challenge. Many people hear “Here’s where you made a mistake” and translate it into “Here’s why you are a mistake.” But feedback is data, not identity. A simple response—“Thank you for the insight” or “I appreciate you pointing that out”—keeps you open without requiring instant agreement.

Emotional communication is another skill no one teaches. Adults often don’t know how to talk when they’re overwhelmed, frustrated, or one minor inconvenience away from a spiral. Naming the emotion before it hijacks the conversation can change everything: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed—can we pause and come back to this?” or “I want to talk about this, but I need a minute to get my thoughts together.” Emotional clarity prevents emotional shrapnel.

And then there’s the art of saying no. “No” is a complete sentence, but most adults treat it like a dissertation. You don’t need a backstory, a justification, or a TED talk. “I can’t,” “Not this time,” or “That won’t work for me” is enough—short, clear, respectful.

Finally, there’s listening. It’s the most underrated communication skill of all. Real listening isn’t interrupting, planning your rebuttal, or mentally wandering off to think about dinner. It’s being present, being curious, and inviting the other person to go deeper with a simple “Tell me more.” People don’t need you to fix everything—they need you to hear them.

The truth is, adults aren’t bad communicators because they’re flawed. They’re bad communicators because no one ever taught them the skills that matter most. But these skills are learnable, practical, and transformative. Once you have them, every part of life—work, relationships, friendships, family—runs a whole lot smoother.

(Tim Herrera is the author of “Public Speaking: Simple Steps to Improve Your Skills” and “Mastering Media: Strategies for Effective Communication in the Digital Age.”  You’ll find both Amazon.)